If the movie hero in the matrix was a woman, would she have been called, "Ingrid"? Get it? In-grid.
tagged: matrix
For all those cell phones that have weak batteries
More than 20 police stations across the area have reported stolen toilets. Police have nothing to go on.
So, this pirate walks into a bar with a captain’s wheel crammed down the front of his pants and the bartender says, ‘why have you got a captain’s wheel crammed down the front of your pants?’ And the pirate says, ‘arrgh! It’s driving me nuts!
I found this humerus
If at first you fail, then skydiving is not for you...
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, then it dawned on me
Hole Found in Nudist Camp, Police are looking into it
Midget Fortune Teller escapes prision, headline reads, "Small Medium at Large"
METAL, Before it was cool.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Pun about Deer and a pun about Starbucks
TAGGED: deer starbucks
It's ok if it's raining cats and dogs as long as it doesn't reindeer
Calves take well to bottle feeding because one nipple is as good as the udder
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion
5000 hares escaped from the zoo, police are combing the area
Don't listen to him, he's lion
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus
I saw a beaver movie last night, it was the best dam movie ever.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion
A dog gave birth to puppies on the side of the road, dog was ticketed for littering
It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
Don't I look EGGcelent? Yeah, but I'm so hot, I'm Bacon!
A Garden Club Motto: Lettuce Turnip The Beet
Bitch, Peas...
Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough
This may sound bananas, but I find you appeeling
She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
French Toast Pun
Anne Hathaway
If Anne Hath-a-will, then Anne Hath-a-way
tagged: hathaway
Rob Lowe - Rob High
What's the difference between George Michael and a microwave? A microwave stops when you open the door.
What happened when James Blunt fell into a pencil sharpner? He became James Sharp
What would it take to reunite the Beatles? Two more bullets
Reese Witherspoon, Reese Withoutaspoon
What does Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common? Their last greatest hit was the Wall.
What does Will Smith leave behind at a crime scene? Fresh Prints
Career Paths
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest. So then I became a baker because I kneaded the dough. But I couldn't make donuts anymore, I was tired of the hole thing...
(read more)
Halloween Costume Idea
I was having a tough time deciding on what to be this Halloween. I thought about dressing up as Pavlov, not everyone will get it but it should ring a bell. Einstein would a be a relatively good idea. (read more)
Animal Pun Story
My Blind Friend
My blind friend was worried that he wouldn't be able to master Braille, but then he got the feel for it. He was also upset because he had a wooden leg and his girlfriend broke it off. I guess she was mad at him... (read more)
Two Bees and a Bar Mitzvah
Two bees ran into each other. One asked the other how things were going.
"Really bad," said the second bee. "The weather has been really wet and damp. There aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey." (read more)
Worrying is like sitting in a rocking chair...
Tagged: furniture
A new type of broom came out, it's sweeping the nation.
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic, now I have no worries, it's syncing now.
I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid, says he can stop anytime.
Teacher took the class to the Cola factory and afterwards gave them a pop quiz
Energizer bunny was arrested, charged with battery
Dead French baker gave me the crepes
Velcro, what a rip-off
Broken pencils are pointless
Did you hear about the new reversible jackets? I'm interested to see how they turn out
Why did the capacitor kiss the diode? He just couldn't resistor
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
John Deere's manure spreader is the only equipment the company won't stand behind.
Damn girl!! Do you have 11 protons? Because you are sodium fine
I'm sorry I keep looking at your chest while you're talking. It's just so beautiful. What is it, oak?
Hey baby, you must be a light switch, cuz every time I see you, you turn me on!
Are you a parking ticket? 'Cause you've got fine written all over you.
Do you have a BandAid? I just scraped my knee falling for you.
Do you have a map? I'm getting lost in your eyes.
I wanna live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.
You're so beautiful that you made me forget my pickup line.
If I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I'd have a galaxy in my hand.
Damn, if being sexy was a crime, you'd be guilty as charged!
I was wondering if you had an extra heart mine seems to have been stolen
Me without you is like a nerd without braces, A shoe without laces, aSentenceWithoutSpaces
Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?
Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!
There is something wrong with my cell phone. It doesn't have your number in it.
Baby, if you were words on a page, you'd be what they call FINE PRINT!
This section may be offensive to certain audiences, be cautious in reading this section
Look, I made a sex tape !!
tagged: sex tape
I was going to make a pussy joke, but you will never get it
A long time ago, I tried phone sex, but the holes were too small.
tagged: phone sex
Enough of the vagina jokes, period!
10 Safe Sex Puns
1. Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.
2. A kiss makes your day, but anal sex makes your hole weak.
3. Those are the whitest teeth I've cum across.
4. A gay cow? A Ho-moo-sexual
5. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breast don't have eyes.
6. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy
7. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
8. Australians don't have sex, Australians Mate
9. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood? His hand caught on fire.
10. What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth? A Gladiator !!
Gay jokes are funny, cum on guys
Wife, "my sex life is like a hard boiling egg, I get hot, he gets hard and it's over in 3 minutes
Women are like frying pans, you have to get them hot before you put your meat in
My husband stayed home last night and played with the box the kids came in
Vaginas are like the weather, if it's wet, it's time to go inside
This isn't an orgy, so quit fucking around
I could make a gay joke, butt fuck it
Don't expect to make a lot of money going into the porn biz, after all, you're just making ends meet.
I had sex with a girl in an apple orchard, I came in cider.
Oral sex in a car? Head-on collision
I just finished a script for a porn movie, but it has too many holes in it.
Don't do phone sex, you might get hearing aids
How is a woman like a condom? Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
How can you spot a blind man at a nudist colony? It's not hard
